29 June 2007
01 June 2007
I hate you.
There's only so long you can wonder. Only so much, sometimes, that you can do. And eventually, you just have to come to terms with that - you are not invincible. You are human, frail and full of unknowns and indescribable, unreachable flits of thought - but still, I feel cheated: like I could have fixed it, but wasn't given the chance.
But that's untrue. I didn't create a real chance. I feel as if the last remnants of my childhood were stolen. But my feelings weren't spirited away; those were the only times I allowed them to exist anymore, and I knowingly let them go. I think that's what's affected me most of all, honestly. I found something special and different, and so I wanted it. I always did search for the unique, but it wasn't just the search. The discovery, the experience, at some point, meant the world and more to me. I found it, possessed it, lost it, and I left behind a part of myself. But it's the part that someday, almost everyone loses - when you finally realize that people fail you, and more so, that you fail you, that everything doesn't have a happy ending - sometimes, despite the amount of desire, there are things you just can't attain, because they're so far beyond your control it's futile to hope for the power to enable change.
You can say over and over and over again that this isn't true, but you people, you people who refuse to become 'jaded', you don't know a thing. You live it, and then tell me how it feels to be powerless. No, not even powerless, having just enough strength to try, but never enough to make a difference. You'll never be happy, not truly. Y ou could have all your dreams come true even through incredible hardship: everything, a perfect ending. But at the end of the day you'll still be lacking something. You'll think, you overcame so much, but really, it's just more opportunities made that didn't fulfill you. And that never will. It's not a very uplifting way to look at things, but it's life, and it's real, and sometimes it just fucking hurts to accept it.
Basically, we're all hopeless. Give up.
But that's untrue. I didn't create a real chance. I feel as if the last remnants of my childhood were stolen. But my feelings weren't spirited away; those were the only times I allowed them to exist anymore, and I knowingly let them go. I think that's what's affected me most of all, honestly. I found something special and different, and so I wanted it. I always did search for the unique, but it wasn't just the search. The discovery, the experience, at some point, meant the world and more to me. I found it, possessed it, lost it, and I left behind a part of myself. But it's the part that someday, almost everyone loses - when you finally realize that people fail you, and more so, that you fail you, that everything doesn't have a happy ending - sometimes, despite the amount of desire, there are things you just can't attain, because they're so far beyond your control it's futile to hope for the power to enable change.
You can say over and over and over again that this isn't true, but you people, you people who refuse to become 'jaded', you don't know a thing. You live it, and then tell me how it feels to be powerless. No, not even powerless, having just enough strength to try, but never enough to make a difference. You'll never be happy, not truly. Y ou could have all your dreams come true even through incredible hardship: everything, a perfect ending. But at the end of the day you'll still be lacking something. You'll think, you overcame so much, but really, it's just more opportunities made that didn't fulfill you. And that never will. It's not a very uplifting way to look at things, but it's life, and it's real, and sometimes it just fucking hurts to accept it.
Basically, we're all hopeless. Give up.
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