Dfhslkdfhsdf. Angry.

If you think that because you conform to the mainstream society's doctrines of morality, it makes you a better person than me, fuck off. The mainstream society today is inventing new ways to kill people, what a good thing to place your faith in.

If you hold yourself in such high esteem to say that you know the concrete difference between right and wrong and all matters ethical, fuck off. I'm pretty sure you are no expert. If so, come back with some fucking credentials.

If you have so much damn empathy because your heart is just so big, fuck off. You reek of insincerity. Your empathy is ill-disguised pity. Your friends are all fucked up because you like to be the one fixing things - it makes you feel better about yourself. I feel sorry for the suckers that think you care.

Teachers can't always teach.

I asked Carlson why some people can just lack certain emotions, like, how serial killers can just not feel, not care? I asked him if it's a psychological disease that they couldn't help, how they can be blamed for it? Is what they're doing really wrong?

I don't think he wanted to go there, think that way. Is it bad that I think that's kind of weak?

I am no good at poetryyy.

ONE

shake rattle shake
rattle rattle crash
you take a long drag from a half-lit cigarette.

grey. light grey green blue grey.
the blue in the purpled sky- i see orion -
a park stream
your snow topped car:
you have beautiful eyes.

embers.
the faint glow from the backseat
shivers and dies,
glass-bound marijuana makes it all epic.

snow is falling, heavy now.
i write you write, anais nin speaks.
you bid me good night, love, and peace.


THREE (I didn't like twwwwwwo.)

intrinsic?
external.
bright but not so bright.
always slightly.. off.
giggle god greed sex:
life? death, ambivalence.

Send my regards to the city. (Rambling)

First of all:
Okay, seriously. Accept the fact that you are human. You are frail and explosive and a little bit fucked up right now. But you can change that. I know you can.

You said you want to be a martyr, want the world to remember you for something you're not. Those are impressive thoughts and they sound admirable but you know what, you're a lost little boy like everyone else. You don't get it, neither of you do. And I'm sick of being in the middle. Stress and sadness are the tidal waves of emotion - they flood over everyone surrounding the storm.

Second:
It's so hard to hide.

Have you ever watched a ballet dancer? I mean actually, really watched them? Watched their leg muscles that appear to be immobile, but are actually almost imperceptibly moving all the time? And what if, what if you pushed them, just a little bit. The best of them would falter a little, but stay. The ones that are still learning though, they're the ones that'll crash.

&

Lastly, fuck you:
I must be craving attention, right?
I must want you to see this.
I must be bitter.
Fuck, yeah.

But life's like that. Take notice. Listen to the warnings given.

As soon as you step outside what you know, as soon as you go public, as soon as you think you finally know what you're doing, or at least recognize and accept that you never really will, as soon as you achieve that perfect, precarious balance of control and surrender,
that's when all it takes is a slight nudge..

and everything falls to pieces.

I don't do this so you'll feel bad, so you'll change your mind.
No, this time, I'm doing something for me. I need a clean break, at least for a while. And I'd like you to know that.
but ps,i hope your painting gets me into perpich.

Holidays.

Ohhh, a christmas full of apathy and pessimism.

From my job, I was given a healthy dislike for the commercialism of this ridiculous country, for the tremendous value everyone places on money and material things, and finally, the fact that this holiday turns people that would normally be semi-reasonable into fucking obnoxious five-year-olds.

From my family, I was given the real-life lesson that marriage is just some words on a certificate and a symbolic ring - something I will probably not ever partake in.

From religion - I was given the ability to question what I've been taught as truth. Always.

From my friends, I mostly just got a lot of bullshit.

From this state, well, I suppose it would be considered a joint gift to myself and the rest of the people in this county or surrounding area, but whatever - I was given lots of ice on the roads, and a car that won't start properly and spits out smoke. I got fifteen layers of clothes and some cold weather that penetrates my walls and spirits - winter doesn't exactly foster happy feelings for me.

From school, I have recieved thus far a half-assed education from a lot of teachers that really don't even want to be there. For example, my math teacher, who teaches so he can coach our losing basketball team. Props to the public school system! There are a few exceptions though, I guess.

From the male sex this year, I got lots of answering machines and long drives home. I got a heart that's a little bit beaten up and a large dose of cynicism.

I do not know why I am in such a horrible mood right now. Yeah, Christmas.

Fuck that.

I'm not getting married, ever,

Parental Control.

Makes me laugh. People are funny. But anyway, this kind of made my day:

This is power. This is bravery. I don't see power portrayed as your typical CEO in a suit, or a dictator packing his gun. I think this man, whatever happened to him, in this moment transcends the lines of conventional force. He's standing up to something so much bigger than himself, and you are just waiting for him to be defeated, his defiance quashed - but his influence in those few seconds is incredible. It takes real strength to go against not just an idea you disagree with, but the embodiment of it in a physical TANK form. This guy is a genuine badass. I wish I could do that?

On a side note, Tasha doesn't hate me? Even though, you know, here's me telling her to do the exact opposite of what I just admired. Just for future reference, I suck at consolation. A lot. My comforting is pessimistic wrapped up in pretty words, hoping that maybe facing reality will hurt a little less if I say it nicely. Oh well. I guess I can't be the person that is all hugs and Iloveyou's. I'm the one that tells you not to love. Oh well, maybe she can do the opposite and learn? Fuck it. This was my response to her blog about her breakup.

"But some people do break your heart. Some people do hurt you. Don't fall in love with people. Don't put your trust in something that you can't control. If you have to love, love something static, something that you can count on to stay the same. Fall in love with beauty. Love the ocean's tide or the sunrise, they happen every single day. They might look a little different, but they're never going to completely change. Sometimes, they might bring hurricanes, or acid rain. Disaster. But you can always trust that they'll go back to waves and sleepy pink clouds."

Not. Comforting.

I liked this idea though!
pixie0245: let's go to italy for new year's
tashalawanda: i want tooo
pixie0245: we can like, hijack a plane or something, because i'm broke as fuck. but
pixie0245: we'll take it and head a little bit south and steal a few people :p, and
tashalawanda: i would love that
pixie0245: everyone will be out partying, they wouldn't notice
tashalawanda: haha that's awesome
pixie0245: we could celebrate in the sky
pixie0245: and then celebrate again
pixie0245: when we cross time zones.

Thank you Notebook.

Do I believe in love? Soulmates? Maybe. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I want to, though. I mean, maybe that person is a million miles away and you'll look your entire life and never find them. Maybe such a thing doesn't exist at all. But maybe they're just next door.

And maybe all of this makes me just another silly girl, but you know what, I want to believe that yeah, somewhere there's that one person that isn't just some other guy; that person that's really just an addition to yourself, and losing them would be akin not just to cutting off a leg or an amr, but all four appendages. You would become useless without them. I want to think that maybe there's someone I could love that much.

I don't know if it's real. I've never seen it. I know I've never felt it. But maybe I could. Maybe it could be you, maybe it won't be. But I know I'm not taking the easy way out; I'm going to stick with this and if I get hurt, I get hurt. If you break my heart then it breaks and maybe I'll be stronger because of it later.

Maybe I'll just be more jaded.

There's some things we just can't know. And maybe we're not meant to.

I really, really, just want to fucking sleep.

600mg of caffine = all nighter.

God damn, at least I know those stupid little pills are effective. I didn't really think they would be, and now I am definately paying the price of that. I want to sleeeeeeeeeepp. I should at least be being productive and like, actually studying for something. But you know how that goes. I sort of just want to give all my teachers a big fuck off right now and leave things at that.

On a side note, I don't like that I have no motivation whatsoever. It's out of character.

Mhmmm.

Don't worry, I'm not depressed, I'm not anything special. Just a self-indulgent little girl putting herself on hold for a while, trying to figure out life. But hey, we are a flawed race. I think everyone is damaged somehow, some of us are just better at hiding it than others.

Lying is the currency of the world.

You have no idea how hard I'm trying to be mad. I hate feeling this vulnerable.

Girl, interrupted.

Sometimes I envy the truly crazy people. When something is wrong, they never have to explain themselves, they never need an excuse. They have a valid reason for being fucked up. Sometimes I want a reason?

Miss Rona has a point:

"..to find true happiness, you have to risk being completely cut open." - Invisible Monsters

This is true. But life is a lot easier, a lot less stressful, if you never have to worry, because you don't commit to anything that lacks a definite outcome.

If you're never sad, because you don't chase after anything when the possibility of failure exists.

If you always think before you speak, because vocalizing your true feelings might have consequences.

If you never question anything, because you're afraid there might not be answers.

If you give up on things before you start, because they seem impossible and unreachable.

If you don't dream, because you don't want to wake up and face reality.

But guess what, that's not really living.

I think fear dictates too much in people's lives. Mine included. I hate being afraid. I hate taking risks. But sometimes still I just fucking crash into things headfirst,without analyzing, without planning, just feeling. I've done some things like that lately, and made some decisions that quite honestly scare the hell out of me. But I'm okay with that. I wouldn't change a thing.

Cryptic.

For once I want to be the car crash, not just the traffic jam.

FLL was good, but not amazing, mostly due to the fact that I wasn't in any sort of mood for a show. But nonetheless, not altogether terrible.

I'll say it again: boys are fucking confusing.

Aldksfhsdklf I'm excited for tomorrow.

Sometimes, you have to do what feels completely wrong and crazy in order to figure out what's right.

There is dukkha.

Is it unnatural to be with someone for the first time and know you could fall in love?

Hahahah.

So.. U was fun.

Kind of weird, being the only one under eighteen, but still fun. I figured out I can keep up with the frat boyzzzzzzzzz pretty well - although I'm not sure if I should be proud of that - and also, I really love that little asian dude that danced to Christina Aguilara. I also figured out that when I start dancing with him, I should probably stop drinking, hahaha.

I wasn't pleased to have to leave at the crack of dawn, (seriously, it was like eight AM) and, well, if I wouldn't have been hungover I probably wouldn't have cared, so, shh. The car ride was kind of awkward, too, also my fault, so, all in all I can't complain, I guess.

Ah well.

Sad.

I spend an ungodly amount of time online.

Think.

So I was outside recently, swinging lazily on our battered swingset out back - because that swingset is my favorite place to dream, so I spend a good bit of time out there - and I was thinking about love and lust and my longing for the first and penchant for the second and whatnot.. but this is about to get put on hold because FUCK.

--------------

I didn't feel like finishing this. It wouldn't accomplish anything.

Ugh.

"Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?"

That is one of my favorite quotes from that book. It wasn't quite as good as the rest of Chuck Palahniuks, but I enjoyed it. And wondered for a very long time about that question. I also decided today that I spend altogether too much time thinking and not nearly enough time doing. It frustrates me though, because it seems like everything I want to do has some hindrance that prevents me from actually getting it done. My painting, for example. It took so long for me to even get started because I didn't have the proper materials to paint with without getting irritated because the qualitly of my work just turns out horrible. But I started a painting yesterday, and it's possible I might like it when I'm finished. I just wish that I could come up with something original. I mean, everyone tells me that I'm so good and it's partially just flattery and all, but they just don't seem to understand when I say that it only feels like art to me when it's CREATED, not copied.

Slghdslgsdg. Did I mention I hate working?