Hmmm.

What if Darwin's theory of evolution and survival of the fittest wasn't based on scientific theory at all, but rather, simply just an excuse made, a rationalization for himself to step on weaker people, and not feel wrong for not feeling remorse? To edge a little farther towards inhuman, but without any accusations or criticisms?

What if Darwin was just crazy?

I'm highhh.

White girllllllllllll.

So this was kind of indirectly pointed out to me, that I'm so terribly vague all the time, even when there's no intended reader for what I write. Even if I'm the only person that will ever see it. I don't know why I'm so guarded.. but I've heard that I am only about a million times in the last two weeks. I just have a weird defensiveness that never really goes away. But - to employ a psych term - I'm not sure what triggered that at all. I used to trust people. Mostly. Not really, actually. Haha, ironic much, that I put any of my thoughts on a public space. I think I just like the feeling of knowing that what I have to say is out there somewhere. That someone could read it, not necessarily that someone will. And that they would understand. I don't know. I don't knoww.

You let the bad parts in.

What do I do, what do I do? Some people, some philosophers will inform you - with a mildly indignant tone, no doubt - that inaction has as great an impact as proactively doing something - true, but in this case, action is definately needed. I just don't quite know which action to take. And you can only place an indefinite hold on whatever it is you're holding off on for so long before the band-aids holding it together start to fester and peel off. Then what's left? That which you do not wish to expose. Or simply can't yet. Ick, not a pleasant metaphor. But honestly. Maybe Dante was right about neutrals. You can't not take a side, you can't not choose. The same wrong can come from doing nothing as well as from pure maliciousness. But I don't like that idea much. Fuck you, Dante. I don't need any more self-awareness as of late.

So pleasant.

I need a fucking cigarette. Or five. Someone come buy me a pack, Camel turkish golds, please.
And then sit on my porch and chain-smoke with me, and be in general a misanthropic bitch, so I don't feel so out of it.

Okay, fine, I miss you. But not enough to apologize.

Anyhow. Sometimes I really enjoy having this journal, blog, whatever, and sometimes I really don't. On the occasional day or night when I simply don't have anything else to do and browse people with simliar interests, for a while, I like the idea, but eventually it just makes me lonely.
The same as writing to no one makes me lonely. I'm not sure exactly what that says about me. But I do know I need to start writing again, even if it is just to no one in specific. Also, I'm pretty sure I have an AP lit essay due in approximately an hour and a half and I'm really just not going to do it.

Yeah apathy. Fuck the educational system of America, mannn! Jesus Christ, I think I'm ready for summer. Actually, I think was ready about a month ago, when I started skipping school to go smoke and do other questionable things because anything is more worthwhile than Filley spouting off EVERY SINGLE DAY about the death penalty and his ex-wife.

I love my life.